I said I love you, and I swear I still do…

I still remember how it felt the day I met you, it was like the world had stopped and the only thing that mattered was you and I, that is how I knew I knew you were going to hurt like hell. Days with you turned into months which then turned into years, and so many ups and downs a long the way but never anything that could break us because our love was the unbreakable kind, through the highs and the lows we always came out on top.

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You were my knight in shining armor, my prince charming, and my happily ever after, and there was nothing in this world that made me happier. You were my corona drinking partner, and my tequila shot competition, we both know I always won that, Mr. Two Beer Queer. You knew how to fix my car, my tears and most importantly my heart. You accepted my past and reminded me everyday how exciting the future was gonna be because there was you and I.

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I also remember the day it all fell apart, I remember sitting on the kitchen floor crying and screaming, I remember the loss of appetite, I remember the feeling of my heart getting ripped out of my chest, I remember the look on your face when we decided to call it quits, I remember the tears that ran down your face the one and only sign of real emotion you’d shown through your addiction in years, you knew this was it through all the ups and downs we had this was the last one, the final blow. I remember finding the needles in the bathroom trash, I remember wondering why you weren’t around and blaming myself, maybe I had done something, maybe I caused you pain and you were numbing yourself. I remember the day I lost trust in you, the day I worried about leaving my purse alone around or carrying cash, I remember worrying about you falling asleep driving my car or you forgetting to shut something off, I remember worrying about you not waking, choking on your own vomit or worse overdosing in one of those dirty trap houses you constantly spent so much time at and no one would care or save you.

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I remember the first time, I ran into you after this all happened the way it ripped at my heart strings, the way you felt like a stranger when for so many years you were so much more than that. I remember wanting to run up to you hug you, and tell you how sorry I am and how much I miss you but I ended up just putting my head down and walking by you pretending I didn’t see you while you pretended not to see me. I don’t know who the girl was but she was beautiful and I hated her, she held the hand of my WHOLE heart….

But through it all, I still love you with every bit of my being and I miss you every single day, there hasn’t been any love like ours, nothing compares to the way I felt loving you, and no guy will ever be able to love me the way you did for years. I find myself comparing men I date to you, but there’s no comparison and ultimately it ends because my stubborn self just can’t get over the fact that I love you so deeply, so madly, so passionately. They all know your name and they all know our story, they know you were my forever and although we aren’t together you have that piece of my heart they are all trying so hard to get a hold of.  Maybe someday my heart will get over losing you but for now, Ill continue to kiss frogs…

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“I think it all started when I stopped liking him, I still loved him, but I didn’t like him anymore… and that’s when I knew my mind was preparing my heart for that moment when I’d say “I’m done,” and really mean it….”

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