“there is nothing more painful than mourning the loss of someone you love who is very much still alive.”
I read the stuff you posted about drug addicts, continuously using my least favorite word “junkie,” to describe a person a lot like my loved one who has been struggling with his addiction for years now. I wrote you a message in my head ten times each time fully erasing it and never actually sending it not because your words didn’t make me angry but because my heart feels bad for you, you don’t understand addiction the way I do, you didn’t experience it first hand like I did. You just don’t get it, and I am so very jealous of you. More than anything I wish I just didn’t get it either. See I didn’t let heroin in, I didn’t inject a needle into my arm, snort it up my nose or allow it to become such a huge factor in my life. I never wanted this life, and I never wanted to have to experience drug addiction, this way but I did, and truthfully I hope you never have to experience the kind of pain drug addiction caused in my life.
I experienced it first hand, I learned something you didn’t, I lived it, breathed it, woke up next to it and most importantly worried about it every single day. See that “junkie,” you spoke so poorly about was a lot like the person I loved, the person I thought was going to be my true love, my forever, my happily ever after. He was the long haired, hazel eyed man of my dreams, my prince charming, knight in shining armor… see he wasn’t your typical “junkie,” he worked six days a week, experienced life every single day but deep down he suffered from something I hope no one you love ever has to suffer from, he was an addict… He wasn’t your normal face of heroin, he was loving boyfriend, devoted father, a son that would make any father and mother proud…
See I spent years searching for prince charming, I wanted to the kind of love they make all those great country songs about and luckily for me I found it but unlucky for me I lost the human form of the person I had fallen so in love with pretty quickly. It had overdosed numerous times in a run down apartments five minutes from home, surrounded by people who did not give a shit about him, just about how they were getting high. I lost the most precious person to me to drug addiction. I lost my piece of mind, my dance partner, the finisher of my sentences and the other half of my heart, the keeper of my secrets but most importantly the love of my life … See, I lost my heart to a person similar to the one you called a “junkie,” earlier and I had no choice because even though heroin had completely taken over the one person I loved more than anything in this worlds life, it still hadn’t taken the love I had for them with it.
I get it you think he had a choice, you think he chose to do the drug for the first time so by doing it that one time he made the choice to be an addict. But let me ask you this, when you had your first drink at 21 mhmm I mean 18 did you ever sit back and wonder if you’d become so addicted to alcohol you wouldn’t be able to function, no you tried it anyway, and that’s what it’s like trying heroin for the first time, you think oh whats the harm in trying it one time there’s no way I can get addicted trying it once, but that’s how it gets you, grabs you and pulls you in and makes you never the same again. I am sure you think he chose heroin over me, so he must have never loved me but you’re wrong ask anyone, the way he looked at me or the way he spoke so highly even in the depths of his addiction, you could tell he loved me but he loved heroin more. I could sit here and tell you how wrong all the words you said on your post are and explain to you all the reasons why I know all about addiction, but the truth is until you experience it first hand yourself you will never understand what it’s like to love an addict.
You base a drug addicts worth on an incorrect image you have in your head of what a drug addict actually looks like. See just like there are good and bad non addicts, there are good and bad drug addicts… see he’d never judge you for your opinion of “drug addiction,” just like he’d hope you’d never judge him for his drug addiction… I could have run to him with tears down my face, and anger in my heart about what you had written on your facebook page and he would’ve told me to calm down and to take a step back, and probably chuckled a little bit because just like I know he knew how truly wrong your opinion is, but however it is your opinion.
I could sit here and tell you that he was a better person than you and I combined but you’d never believe me. See he did some of the silliest things and some of the most memorable things in my life… you didn’t get to witness the way he’d dance around the house in his underwear after getting out of the shower just to make me laugh, how he’d drink twisted teas just to listen to me make fun of how he only drank “bitch drinks,” the way he’d scream out the windows to pedestrians, the way he lit up a room with his smile or his laugh, you’d never understand how much comfort I found in his embrace, and how much he loved me, told me how beautiful I was and reminded me daily how I was the only person important in his everyday.
Hopefully like I said you never have to learn about drug addiction the way I did, and if you ever do, then and only then will you truly understand.