I Love You, More than Chocolate.

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February 20, 2014…. the obituary read “her grandchildren were her promised treasures who continued to give happiness to her days,” but what the obituary didn’t tell the world is how much of a void her grandchildren felt losing her. The obituary didn’t tell you all the things they’d give up just to hug their Meme one more time. You always taught me to live life to the fullest each and everyday, smile even when it’s hard to and it’s important for your soul to see sunshine and sand.

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I was never ready for you to leave.

Losing you, shattered my whole world and honestly I have a hard time believing things will ever be the same again. Losing you was by far the hardest moment I have ever had to go through, and I still find myself waking up from a vivid dream of you and craving your hug, kiss, smile, laughter or advice more than anything in this world.  You were my milkshake buddy, my hair appointment companion, my shopping partner, my advice giver, but my favorite title of all was you were my Meme. My goodbye to you took little pieces of my heart with you, there’s a huge place in my heart that can’t be filled again no matter how hard I try.

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The moment you left I realized, I had to grow up… the person I had leaned on my entire life was gone in the blink of an eye. Although I knew it would eventually happen someday, I prayed every single day it wouldn’t be anytime soon. Every ambulance ride I accompanied you on I prayed like hell until we were admitted into the hospital and the doctor reassured us that you would be okay. The last ambulance ride was different though, I had a strange feeling and it lingered throughout the next week that you just wouldn’t be coming home this time, even though I prayed like hell you would. I remember the 5 A.M. text message like it was yesterday, hard to believe it was three LONG years ago… “Meme passed away this morning, I am sorry,” I can only imagine how hard it was to type just those words out and how badly I wish I had been there by your side but we were sure you weren’t going to leave us that soon.

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When you left this world Meme, it changed my plans because I’d spent so much of my life planning my life out with you in every step of the way not realizing you might not be there. I found all the plans for my life flashing before my eyes, all the events you’d miss, my wedding, my first child, my first REAL job, my first house, the first holiday without you… how on earth were we suppose to decorate for the holidays like you did. There was so much you weren’t able to show me like how to cook my favorite meals, or how to sew a hole up in that favorite sweater of mine you always fixed….  If there was one thing I knew about you, I knew there wasn’t a single event in your grand childrens life that you would want to miss out on.

It was so hard stepping into your home for the first time and realizing you weren’t there so many pictures and memories flashed through my head of all the times we shared together, the familiar scent of “beautiful,” perfume lingered still and it gave me a sense that you were still here with us just not physically… still three years later from time to time I smell that perfume and it brings me back to your hugs and the many adventures we took together where you surely sprayed too much of it on yourself.. oh what I would give to have to roll down the window in the car to prevent myself from choking on your perfume.

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My Meme is my hero. She taught me true strength through out her illness, she was the greatest fighter I’ve ever known. She taught me to smile through the hard times of life and to dance in the rain any chance you get. She taught me to get messy, mainly cause she couldn’t eat anything without getting it all over her clothes, and leaving a stain… it still makes me laugh to this day. img_0200

I grieve everyday for Mom and I, and truly dread the day that I am in her position and she is in yours. I promise I will be strong because you taught me true strength, I watched you fight your illness until the very last punch. Thank you for giving me my mother, she is the most amazing women and it only makes since because she was raised by you…

Thank you for always being my ice cream buddy, my teacher, my meme, my confident, my crying shoulder, my advice giver, my shopping buddy and my best friend. You were the piece that kept our family whole. It’s been a long three years since you left this world, so much has changed. So much that you’ve missed but I can tell you more than anything the only thing really missing Meme is you, but you’re not really missing at all, your numerous signs that you’re still here prove that physically you left but you’ll always be with us, always. I hope heaven is filled with the most beautiful sand, the clearest waters, and never ending sunshine because that’s where you’d want to be. Rest in Paradise, My Meme. I love you, forever.

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